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Enough Already. I Give.

Dear Nasty Virus,

You think you're funny settling in my chest and nasal cavity as if there weren't things taking up residence there. Like my lungs. And the snot and boogers that were there already. They told me to tell you something: GET OUT. WE WERE HERE FIRST. I even let my body cackle laugh when the doctor told me last Wednesday that you could probably stick around for up to nine days.

NINE DAYS? Oh, no. We don't have time for that shit. We have Christmas cookies to make. We have Christmas cookies to eat. We have Santa to play and mojitos to make and lots of new kinds of coffee to try. Nine days? Nah, that ain't gonna work for me.

But you didn't listen, did you? You smugly gave your non-commital reply and there was a smirk lingering in the air around me. I have a mind to knock your block off, you fucking contagion.

Did you have to be the kind of virus that increased, instead of suppressed, my appetite? Did you? Was it necessary to make me voraciously hungry and scarf as much cheese as was made in the entire state of Wisconsin during the month of December? Because I don't find that one bit humorous.

Let me tell you what would be really funny: if you coupled the current maladies you've concocted with some lay-her-out-flat cramps. THAT? would be hilarious. Oh, yeah. I'm talking guffaw-worthy. Hopefully, those guffaws would allow me to rapidly and continuously quiver to and fro so that a coughing fit would ensue enabling me to bring up some of this yummy phlegm. Oooohhhhh, pretty.

So here's what I'm proposing: you get out of my body and let me get back to a normal life that does NOT include showering with Very Festive Pomegranate Body Splash instead of actually getting into the bathtub (with the normal things like water and other substances made from compounds of natural oils and fats with sodium hydroxide) and I won't call you a "bitchy infective agent" anymore.


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Reader Comments (14)

Wow, sorry to hear that you've been under the weather. Hope you feel better - before you have to go and get all violent!!!! :)

"I have a mind to knock your block off, you fucking contagion."

December 26, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterRWA

Ugggg, Hope you're feeling better! I can supply the cramps and back pain if you'd like -- I've got plenty to go around.

December 26, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterKaroli

I'm sorry you're sick, but I have a suggestion - Zicam Cold & Flu. The stuff tastes like death, but it works so I was able to make it through the taste. Between that, echinacea & tea I was able to get over my nasty-ass cold in 4 days.
Hope you get better quick!

December 26, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterMegs

oh, dear... i hope you feel better really soon! i'm sad for you and your lack of mojitos. :(

December 26, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterlara

I feel ya on the cold from hell. I don't go to the doctor, though, because I know what they'll tell me. "Get plenty of rest and drink lots of fluids." Whatever. I don't need to pay someone to tell me what I already know. So here I am at work coughing away and feeling like all I want to do is sleep.

December 26, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterSarah



I'm sorry that I'm laughing at the thought of a very sick mocha craving cheese.

You sure you aren't pregnant too?

Don't you know to stay away from dairy products while filled with mucous? I guess not or you wouldn't be scarfing all that cheese!

Cheese glorious cheese! Chedder, swiss, muenster and havarti.

Seriously sweetie...GET better...:)

December 26, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterJanice

Tooooooold yaaaaaaaa. It sucks. But it does end eventually and you'd help it along by actually resting some, missy! Of course, I'm a good one to talk; I didn't rest when I had it either which could explain why it took me two weeks to get better.

Sleep. Take lots of showers. Get friendly with a cuppa tea and the serious, full strength decongestants (the kind you practically have to have a full cavity search to get at the drug store). Watch some TV...I could send you the Firefly series if that would help, that should take you a few days. Most of all, give yourself as much time as you need to get better, 'cause you're worth it daggnabbit.

Oh and I thing you need to put "bitchy infective agent" on your coffee mugs. No? How about "fucking contagion?" Still no, huh? *sigh* Oh well.

December 26, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterCaffeinated Librarian

I'm so sorry you are sick! But I have to tell you that your blog makes me laugh. I added you to my list of people that I read every day! Thanks for the laughs. I hope you get well soon!

December 26, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterLisa S.

Cheese? Craving cheese? Your body must need calcium. You see, high fat though it may be, good Wisconsin cheese has some things going for it.
...from Northeastern Wisconsin, drinking cranberry coffee and thinking healthy thoughts in your direction

December 26, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterDaisy

Is it horrible of me to be so happy knowing that you are suffering with me? I'm half a heartbeat away from death (at least that's how it feels) and do you think it has gotten me anywhere? Noooooooooooope.

They let me sleep in this morning. But there's still a pile of washing to do, dishes to be washed and the floors look horrid. I'm currently searching for an invisibility cloak on Ebay. Maybe if I vanish, the "fucking contagion" won't be able to find me?

If it works I will let you know :) Take Librarian's offer and curl up with a cuppa and watch "Firefly". I have the series and it ROCKS! Just so pissed that it was canned after one season. Grrrrrrrrr.

I'd smooch you but I don't want our germs to breed and create "super flame snorting, gut tearing, lungs leaving home, bitchy assed, coffee scented, snot and mucous filled Mega Flu" germs and annihilate the entire species.

So consider yourself lovingly hugged, smooched and rubbed all better. I swear I hurt so bad from all the coughing. I'd sell all my organs for someone to rub my chest and back. Just till it stops feeling like all my fucking ribs are broken and poking out of my skin at odd angles!

December 26, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterdragon-mum

I cannot believe that virus did not listen to you...the NERVE!!!! Unreal!!!!

Hope you had a great christmas inspite of that ill-mannered virus.

December 26, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterBeth long as you didn't touch my book that bought me with your icky germs....we're still cool. Ok, G?

December 27, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterJ to the Wall

Zicam - they are OUT of it at the drug store. :(

But! I have new sayings to put on my coffee mugs! Thanks!

December 27, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterMocha Momma

It's worse when you get sick after Christmas. Because you know someone else had this shit first and gave it to you!

December 28, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterDana

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