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Did You Hear That Noise?

That great, giant sucking noise? It was loud. Last night? Did you hear it? It was Oprah sucking me into her show on the Legends Ball that I did not want to get sucked into, but whose slow, melodic piano overlay brought me to tears more than once. Then, when Shirley Caesar started singing gospel music spontaneously after they ate chicken and waffles? Well, that was just the final straw.

Oprah, honey. What's up with the chicken and waffles, girl? We didn't have enough stereotypes to go around? Ok, I'll forgive you if you'll just stop wearing cornrows to dine for 5 hours when you pick out out the meal for your extravagent gala, ok? Cornrows on you, my dear, are cute. At home.
This entire mess is to be blamed on Ken who is such an Oprah Slut it's disturbing and worthy of a phone call to a hotline for help. My night was going to be worthlessly spent on junk food and making fun of any season finale I could find on television. If that didn't satisfy my appetite, then I was finally going to watch those nimble marionette superheroes kick butt that has been on my To Watch list. Something else that's just been added to that list is something which I can't seem to shake after having a dream about Snake Plissken last week. It's not for me so much as it is for the kids who are being properly indoctrinated by their father and me. Now, of course, it's really fun to watch Escape From New York because it was made in 1981 and set in 1998 which has long since past and which bears only a slight resemblance to the current state of maximum security prisons.

Stop acting like you're grossed out. Snake Plissken was hot.

Oprah's Legends Ball probably had plenty of viewers since all the good shows have aired their season finales. I'm just not one to appreciate the self-aggrandizement of people so I tend not to watch, but there were a lot of amazing women honored so I decided to give in. I'm glad I did, because did you hear that poem (which Oprah says with 2 pronounced syllables "po-em") where they kept chanting "We speak your name"? Even though he knows of my disdain for her shows, Ken kept peeking at me with tears running down my face and saying, "See? SEE? It's good, isn't it? SEE?" and he was right.

Yeah, ok. It was good and I cried non-pre-menstrual tears and was moved by the music and the po-em, but I'm still worried about you, Ken. Your Oprah obsession has got to stop or I'll be sending your butt to the island of Manhattan and you won't come home until you're wearing an eye patch like Snake, ok?
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Reader Comments (30)

Team America is the funniest movie. The kids loved it when we saw it. Come visit me will you? I did a HEAP of entries today and I am in serious need of some assistance regarding making my links ACTUALLY WORK. Out of the nine links I did, YOURS was the ONLY one that WORKS! I think the cosmos is trying to tell me something!

(ghostly eerie voice from afar)

PMSL.... OPRAH? Ken for god's sake man, get a hold of yourself, then go show Kelly what you can do! THAT would be more fun than Oprah, surely? (was that too risque for this blog?) There has to be more to do than watch that brain cell destroying poo! (being a good girl here) If you need something to do, pack Kelly, Fei, Jayne, The Kids and yourself up...... and come down under. I'll find lots for you all to do ;-)

Love Yvonne (the seriously twisted and obsessed Aussie)

May 23, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterYvonne

Oprah frightens me. Is that wrong?

May 23, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterKevin

Ken with an eye patch? And that is a bad thing if he looks like Snake Plissken...?!?

Sorry Mocha, Oprah just might be reason #57 why I shut off network television service years ago and do not watch it. It was enough for me to hear your rendition of her latest production... ;)


May 23, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterdeannie

no one can avoid the pull of oprah. not you, not ken. and not kevin from comments. she sucker punches you. waffles, cornrow, po-ems, whatever it takes, she'll do it.

May 23, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterfizzle

So I was TOLD to watch, I was ASKED to watch, I MEANT to watch.. Um but Excedrin PM answered the question, "To watch or not to watch..." ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ. I guess it was NOT.
And if that's your first Oprah-extra syllable where no one else would put it-experience...You really don't do Oprah. Now as for Ken and his Oprah obsession, really, what man in their...slightly right mind wouldn't be? She's worth a kajillion dollars, she likes giving it away and apparently has NO problem with a man who has commitment issues..
Personally, I love a person who will give their best friend a million dollars just so "we can be millionaires together". SIGN ME UP!
On a final note, let me address the chicken and waffles.. Oprah is now and will ALWAYS be- no matter the money, the extra syllables, and an affinity for Maya Angelou and Toni Morrison- as down home as grits! So serving chicken and waffles to a star-studded room is exACTly what one should expect. You can perm the naps and put shoes on feet, but kuntry is kuntry and cornrows on Oprah in what was probably a gown that cost more than some people's cars is somehow fitting. I mean really, this is the woman who subjected us to the singing of her OWN theme song in her OWN lackluster voice.
Sorry Ken, but you KNOW that song blew chunks across the room and poked holes in the wallpaper.


May 23, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterImHir

Oprah? Who's Oprah?

May 23, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterTom Stormcrowe

Ick. Can't stand oprah, but i won't hold it against you!

May 23, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterjess

I freakin' missed it. Dang it. And here I wanted to see Tom and Katie......-snorts- NO seriously.

May 23, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterDana

I got mini-sucked in but then pulled myself after the teary "tribute"..."I say your name" thing. Oh boy...just in the nick of time!!! Yes..OH MY those corn rows were bad...bad bad bad...

May 23, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterMercy

I guess you just never know! Well, I'm glad you enjoyed the show..... I'm a recent convert to the WWE, BF has me hooked! LOL It's mindless entertainment very much needed on the first day of the work week.


May 23, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterCordaville

Ok, I don't care who knows it...I LOVE OPRAH.

There. I said it.

I also can't imagine people who DON'T LOVE OPRAH.

WHat's not to love? She gives money away. She's all schmoopy. She makes me feel like a bad woman who can't do it all....wait a minute.

The Kaiser has called her Orca for years. And I am petrified she will pick ME (yes, me) for some surprise and the Kaiser will accidentally slip and call her Orca.

I never said my fears were based in reality. But if those are my fears, I don't have much to complain about.

ALL of that being said. I watched basketball last night.

May 23, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterQofS

Oh my 16 year old son thinks she is hot. I mean what is THAT about. I had to work or I would have watched it. Even though she makes dumb statements from time to time (see shorts blog) she does a lot of good work for a lot of deserving people. Chicken and waffles is a pretty southern thing among all races. First had it in Georgia at a diner. Cornrows. That makes me think of the time when my daughter was 5 she had blonde baby fine hair and told the lady that did her hair she wanted cornrows. She cried when Tamika told her she couldn't do that on her hair. New space, by the way is wonderful.

May 23, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterKfarm

I liked her better when she was larger. I feel like now she doesn't tackle as big of issues, like she's trying to be safer, and that sucks. Then again, the only time I get to see her is when I'm home sick. I saw a whole month of Oprah after my surgery this spring, and I didn't even like her by the end of it... so I didn't watch the Ball. Instead, I took a nap. And a glorious nap it was, indeed!

May 23, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterErin

I wonder how many fights errupted over the remote on that wife forgot about it....and well I happened to forget to remind her....oops.

May 23, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterEarl the squirrel

Miss Kelly,
How are you? I do like the new site. I am very impressed.

Oprah, I can leave, but I don't have a righteous dislike or anything, just little interest. Except for her hair, sometimes I wish my curls would behave so nicely.

Anyway I miss you, but at least I can come see you here. ; )


May 23, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterNora

I'm all about a list:

1. Oh no, not the puppet movie--I've heard way too much about it at drunken nights with the boys (I'm not a boy, but I still get sucked in).

2. I only got a few Oprah minutes in last night--too busy.

3. I pronounce poem as a two syllable word, but that's because I can't say it the other way--it's my stumble-word. Please forgive me.



May 23, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterKaty

How could I forget? Oprah slut? laugh-out-loud funny.


May 23, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterKaty

NO! I got the white box again!!!

Anyway....I SO wanted to call you and talk to you about the show because you KNEW I was watching it but I ASSUMED you were not. (Oprah hater!)

I could not sleep after the show. I was still crying after it was long over. Why? I kept thinking about all of those amazing women and what they have done, not only for African-American women, but for women in general.

I also kept thinking that if I was given a million dollars that I would do the same. I was making a list in my head of all of the women who have changed my life throughout my life.

And at the top of my list are teachers. Teacher have changed my life in words that can't even explain.

Ironically enough, while I was student teaching I was very close to my 8th graders. I even had 4 of them show up out of the blue at my college graduation. I even have a picture of them with me at my graduation on my desk at school from 1999. And guess what....I found one of them today (thanks to It was so good to hear from him!

Anyway....I got off subject....

and one more missed an AWESOME speaker today at school...I cried again and again and again and....again when I watched it on the news tonight....

AND....where are we going ot eat Friday, half-day you know....

AND....(last thing I SWEAR) KNOW I wish I had that Oprah show on tape so I could show it to my kids....they need to learn how to HONOR people instead of talking trash about them....

May 23, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterJ to the Wall

...and your computer HAD to be wrong because I KNOW you were not up at 5:20 am! And tell Kenny that he can have his dollar back since he likes Oprah! :-)

May 23, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterJ to the Wall

Who on earth could watch Oprah when the Mavericks and Spurs were in GAME 7??? I was glued to TNT, and heartbroken at the end of OT. {sigh}

I don't think I could have taken much more emotion this week. I've cried everytime I get an update on the racehorse that broke his ankle. Sheesh.

May 23, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterMizAngie

I didn't get to experience the chicken and waffles. We were at a golf scramble (he played; I sat and listened to the wives). But a about a week and a half ago, my dear darling husband found the recipe for her Lemon Drop Martinis. And let me tell you, I was happy as a piece of meat on Emeril Logasse. They are really really good. At least as much as I can remember.

May 23, 2006 | Unregistered Commentertanilan

I'm tired. Can't write much. It's more like "tiiihhhrrrddd".

Want to set the record straight: I really don't ever watch O and YES she does great things and YES she has more money than God and YES chicken and waffles sounds good right now. But I rarely watch any tv so when I do, I don't want her sucking me into her sappy show. (aside: Erin, I'm surprised at you!) and b-ball suits me fine but I don't have TNT (or any cable channels - why do you think I'm always on the internet?). And, Jen, you suck, but I'll tell you to your face tomorrow. And Tanilan, POST THAT RECIPE IF YOU HAVE ANY DECENCY.


May 23, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterMocha Momma

I've sat down to watch her many times, but I just can't get past the bit where she introduces her guests and shouts their name while drawing it out to a full 15 seconds per syllable.

May 24, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterBIg Mike In Oz

I just have to tell you that it is a fond dream of ours to open a chicken and waffles joint (does Roscoe's sell franchises?) here, because, believe it or not, THERE AREN'T ANY.

May 24, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterBelinda

Again with admitting my stupidity. Two things

1) I admire Oprah for all the wonderful things she has done for people. She is a good woman, with a huge heart. I just can't stand to watch her on TV. It boils down to this.... if there is no blood, gore, screaming or ROFLMAO, I ain't watching it!

2) Chicken and waffles? (You KNEW I would ask Kelly, so don't look shocked). Waffles as in the things you were talkin bout last week with the butter and dreamy syrup? You then put chicken on top of that mess? And you accuse us Aussies of being twisted???

Maybe you people all need a good dose of Vegemite to set your tastebuds straight. Big Mike In Oz..... please agree with me here, don't leave me out on a limb alone! LOL

Last thing, promise! Big Mike? Would you be willing to trade blog addy's or emails? It would be so nice to chat to a fellow Aussie, instead of trying to convert all these weird foodstuffs all the time :) PMSL.... Kelly has to post the email to explain. If you like you can come visit me at and leave me a message there. Caution: My site contains MASSIVE amounts of swearing.

Love Yvonne

May 24, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterYvonne

Okay Kelly here's the recipe! Be careful it will put you on your butt (at least it did me).

Oprah's "Legends Lemon Drop Martini"
The juice of 6 lemons (get real lemons...the fake stuff just don't work)
4 Tbsp. sugar
6 fresh mint leaves (my husband is allegic to mint so we omit this)
4 shots of vodka (yeah, baby)
Ice in shaker
A sugar-rimmed martini glass (I broke out the fancy ones we got as wedding presents.
Mix Lemon juice, sugar and vodka in a martini shaker filled with ice. Shake well and pour into sugar-rimmed martini glass. Garnish with mint. Drink and please forget about driving after you do!
Lova ya!

May 24, 2006 | Unregistered Commentertanilan

Yes, Snake Plisskin was hot!

May 25, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterCheryl

I loved the Legends Ball... finally someone could honor these women in a manner that is right. I got sucked in and then spit back out...

Ciao bella,

May 25, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterKC

Siggghhhh...I missed the whole thing! Awwww well, there's always plenty more to come if we wait long enough. As always, you crack me up.

May 25, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterJeannie Henderson

If I had to watch Oprah or clean up my kids' puke (analogy chosen because of comparable involuntary gag responses), I'd pick the latter. Good things have come from her, but it's not about that. It's all about the fact that SHE did it. I RARELY use bad language, but I just wanna shout "SHUT THE F*** UP!!" when I see her. I can't explain this, either. I generally like just about everyone. Really... you've known me for months. Have you ever sensed such disgust in anything I've written?

May 28, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterEricAtRandom

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