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Candy Crack

This is called talking out of both sides of my mouth.

I like my coffee. I like my caffeine. However, I could do without it if I had to. Yes, I realize I sound like an alcoholic when I say, "I can stop anytime I want to!" but it's the truth. There are many days when I will have tea or chai to suffice my morning ritual of drinking something out of my cuppa.

The school day usually finds us teachers in the lounge buying pop and getting candy or salty snacks from the cafeteria. Unfortunately for my hips, our school makes the best french fries I've ever had and when I smell them I find myself down there getting a whole mess of them and munching on them the rest of the afternoon. When I'm getting sleepy around 1ish I also go into the lounge for a diet Pepsi until the feeling of "Dear God, I'm going to climb on top of my desk and SLEEP FOR JUST A MINUTE!" goes away and the world is right again.

Our state has imlemented a new "No Candy Sales" in schools and the students aren't walking around with Snicker bars or Starburst chews or giant chocolate chip cookies from the vending machines. This is a really good thing, because their sugar intake has taken a serious dip this school year.

Guess what? Their behavior is INCREDIBLE. They aren't hyper (except for the normal pre-pubescent hormonal surges) or wired at all! They are even keel. Calm. Befitting behavior of a group of kids I wouldn't mind taking in public on a field trip and claiming as my own.

The problem is this: there are now no teachers walking around with Snicker bars or Starburst chews or giant chocolate chip cookies.

But them? They are CRANKY and IRRITABLE and FURROWING THEIR BROWS at the lack of candy crack they are used to getting in the middle of the day.

It's great that the kids are going to eat healthier and not be too affected by all that sugar, but seriously. I would like to start a campaign to at least let US have the sugar. We need it. We want it. We crave it.

Right now I want to talk out of both sides of my mouth AND have a giant chocolate chip cookie with my daily intake of coffee. I NEED MY CANDY CRACK!

Maybe I can't quit. Intervention, anyone?
« Cafe Au Lait Crack | Main | It's early. I'm thirsty. »

Reader Comments (25)

I never had the luxury of having candy or pop at school. In fact, if we brought a pop it was taken away and replaced with milk. You know the milk in the individual cartons that weren't near cold enough. Eww! And I love milk.

Anyway, our teachers lounge had pop machines and candy. So why can't you guys do that? They had a candy company come in to keep it stocked. Good luck!

August 30, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterJulie

I can speak from experience that you don't think you'll really miss something until it's taken away. I have never considered myself a candy or soda junkie but, since I have aquired gestational diabetes I get so pissed when someone leaves a big bag of snickers in the common area here at work. Or, when the 8th person comes by my cube to tell me about the birthday cake in the lounge (and I am pretty sure there is a rule about not starting a sentence with or so sorry!). As for teachers, I think they should get whatever they need to make it through the day. Whether that be candy, sodas, free massages, whatever! Because I know I'm not teaching that kid of mine!!

August 30, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterJessica

I know this isn't helping at all, but just last night I made homemade chocolate chip cookies. The best ones ever. I'll gladly mail you some to stash in your desk. How does one do this? Can I mail them in a ziplock back and then carefully place it in a box? Will they get there safely and in good form?

You MUST have one of them. It will CURE your crack-candy craving. Now say that THREE times fast.

August 30, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterDana

Like any good junkie you need to get high off your OWN supply. Addiction's not nearly half worth is unless you're slipping down dark hallways and inhaling a banned substance crouched behind the kid's lockers. Go to CostCo, get your illegal fix, bring it to school and then hide it like the dickens.

if you get crafty with it, you could become the schoolyard supplier.....

August 30, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterfizzle

I was going to suggest what fizzle said. You could be the total hook up. Target even has a little fridge that you can make into your own vending machine for sodas. Think about this could be your chance to own an evil candy empire. Buh wah ha! Buh wah ha! (that's my evil laugh if you can't tell.)

August 30, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterNora

As a fellow teacher, I SO SO hear you on that one. It's easy not eat the candy-crack at home, but get us around the monsters and we need it! I agree - off to Costco with you.

Our little family is doing a fundraiser for the Cancer Society @

As with most bloggers, you have, like, 50 000 more readers than I do, so I thought this would be a good place to pimp it ;-)

August 30, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterMuch More Than A Mom

Oh, and I don't think I've ever mentioned how much I luuuuuurve your theme - those delicious looking beans make me want another latte, and I just finished one.

August 30, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterMuch More Than A Mom

You could all start smoking.

August 30, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterSarah, Goon Squad Sarah

I triple dog dare you to give it up for a month. Let's see what happens.

August 30, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterkapgar

When I was in school, no vending machines or sodas were allowed, and candy was only sold once a year for safety patrol funding. Even when I volunteered last year I saw no vending machines. I guess you'll have to bring your own candy. The horrors! :)

August 30, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterPointlessBallyhoo

I gave up chocolate for a month...thought i was going to die. I think you should make a chart in the lounge, and people have to sign up to bring brownies, cookies, candy, for your mid afternoon fix. and if the don't sign up, they don't get any!!!

Granted, you may have to set up a security camera or get a watchdog to make sure that happens.

You could be goodie warden Mocha!


August 30, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterJenna

I highly recommend Caribou Coffee Chocolate Mocha bars - 140 cal per bar and very tasty (they taste like you took a granola bar and dipped it into a cuppa Mocha...plenty of coffee and chocolate flavor). I could be induced to mail you some if you asked me very sweetly. I'm envisioning something like the California Cheese commercials:

"Who rules?"
"Librarians rule."
"And why do librarians rule?"
"Because they are the masters (mistresses?) of the universe."
"And do you think they're pretty?"
"Yes, I think librarians are pretty..."

Well, you get the idea.

August 30, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterCaffeinated Librarian

We didn't have the candy machines, but we DID have soda machines, and one day when we were in the faculty lounge, the person we thought was nice Mr. Soda Vendor Man cam and WHEELED IT RIGHT OUT IN FRONT OF US!! He said it was "district orders." BAH! The kids didn't have access to it...So why should we have to suffer? The only things he had to keep refilling in the blasted thing were the water and diet coke spots!! It couldn't be ALL bad, could it?

August 30, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterTracey

Nothing like the automated horn-of-plenty that is the candy machine to perk up an afternoon, is there?

I agree with Fizzle - start your own depraved, cavity-riddled empire. I'm sure you could bend everyone to your will with just a whiff of sweet, chocolatey goodness right about now.

August 30, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterErin

You teachers need to get together and create your own stash in the teachers lounge. Maybe you all can rotate bringing in goodies for the week? Cookies, candy, chips & salsa...yum!

August 30, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterGrace

my school just moved to a brand new campus, so we're being really strict about having no food or drinks in classrooms. today, during a break, i was snacking on my granola bar outside the classroom door, and a couple other teachers were discussing problems with a student. i said, "come talk over here - i want to hear what you're saying but i'm trying to establish food norms!" not being able to drink my coffee in first period is going to be hard, though... :-P

August 30, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterkari

Mocha, that's too funny! What's next? I can just see the kids breaking up the teachers fighting in the hallways.

August 30, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterannette john-hall

A) I promise to send boxes of goodies to keep you from falling asleep on your desk. I will re wrap them to make them look like rat poison packs or something so no one but you will eat them :)

B) Please become the candy crack whore of the school. The teachers will be so desperate for a fix, they will shower you in money.... that's gotta be a good thing :)

C) What the f is triple dog dare?

D) I promise to shower Caffeinated Librarian in adoration forever AMEN.... if I can have one of those bars as well. That sounded yummy. I'll just have to sniff it til my mouth heals up though. Gee.... do I sound like a crack whore or what? I'll just sniff it? Dear God someone please help me!

E) Why have they taken the junk food and softdrink (sorry, soda) away from the grown ups as well? Maybe they think you guys might sell it to the kids? Or the kids might riot and storm the teachers lounge?

I am seeing black market type meetings at the boot of Mocha's car in the near future :)

Love Yvonne

August 30, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterdragon-mum

What teacher went to the principal last week and said: "WE NEED SNACKS! WE HAVE TO HAVE CHOCOLATE TO DEAL WITH THESE KIDS!!!" Oh wait....that would be me! So, I was happy to see all of the snacks today....especially when I walked out of the lounge with some peanut m&m's. K to the Elly....I would like a big ol' kiss on the cheek when I feel better and am back to school. Until then I am confined to a house with a man who is TRYING to gain weight (but I seem to be winning).


The pink box RULES!'s almost time for "Project Runway!"

August 30, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterJ to the Wall

When I was in the fourth grade milk in the pint carton was two cents for white and three cents for chocolate, and candy bars were a nickel. I made my brother's bed every morning in exchange for 8 cents so I could have milk & candy at the afternoon break. My damn brother always had exact change. They didn't have Coke machines or snack machines in the schools back then. Some little old lady with a hair net had boxes of candy and a metal cash box in front of her and we would select what we wanted and hand her our money. And then after school I would walk the ten miles home in the driving snow - in a dress and shoes with cardboard soles. Sheesh. When did I become my mother?

August 30, 2006 | Unregistered Commentermizangie

I can quit whenever I want - NOT. I'm totally addicted to caffeine and sugar - and this after having chucked them both for three years before and during pregnancy (glucose intolerance.) Now? All cracked up on coffee and sugar.

August 30, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterHer Bad Mother

mmmm ... chocolate. and gnomes. chocolate gnomes. mmmmm.

August 31, 2006 | Unregistered Commentercolleengirl

Other than occasionally going into hypoglycemic shock and having no access to food, I think the no candy thing is good. Our kids are plenty hyper without it, and it makes school a place where I can avoid gaining twenty pounds (as long as I bring my lunch).


September 2, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterKaty

The office where the 4 of us work is always stocked with m&m's, Hershey's kisses, and whatever mini-candy bars were on sale (Mounds, Snickers, Kit-Kats, etc.) I feel it is my duty as a boss to give the troops whatever they need to get through the day. Of course, 3 of us are menopausal, and we all know that chocolate IS the best hormone-replacement therapy around! For the non-menopausal girl (who is young, cute and too nice for her own good), chocolate is her PMS remedy. I figure that whatever the candy costs me I get back 10-fold in productivity and decreased attitude.

September 2, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterMrs RW

I understand they have 12 Step programs for Candy Crack...

At least you have already done Step #1 (admitting to yourself that you have a problem).

Gotta go now - the chocolate is callin my name, and you know we must all "Respect the Chocolate!"


September 7, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterSteve

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