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Not Going To Be A Linear Narrative

I am not cut out for Xtreme Sports and Mountain Dew or any kind of vitamin water in which my body shrinks and I dive into the bottle.

Every time I drive by a Red Lobster my brain quietly sings “Rock Lobster” by the B-52s.

My children are quite emphatic about the types of things I should and should not see. Mason forbade me to ever watch The Blair Witch Project and it strikes me as funny that my 16 year old is goading me into not watching it because "It will scare you, Mom. For reals."

A girlfriend of mine came over to bring me some soup and cranberry juice and when she pulled out her cell phone and pulled up the antenna on it Mallory exclaimed, “Whoa! When did it get all 1993 up in here?”

Mason can’t get enough of saying “beast”. When we went to see Prince Caspian he kept saying that Edmund was a “beast”. His friend is leaving for boot camp and will come home all “swoll”. Is that “swole”? Basically, it’s “swollen” without the “n” so let’s go with the first one.

It used to irritate me how long it took the Count from Sesame Street to finish counting to a ridiculously low number like 5. One ah ah ah ah ah. Two ah ah ah ah ah. Jeebus, get to 5 already, would you? My young-child-brain really did think that and my grownup-brain still believes it to be so.

Count Chocula. Is he still around? Do we still expect vampires to hawk chocolate puffs to children?

I’m having my daughter do all my bidding for me and mostly that comes out to her picking things up at the grocery store since her brother cares nothing of getting a driver’s license. He couldn’t afford the gasoline anyway in this rancid economy. (I’m trying to get the network news agencies to use this phrase “rancid economy” because it beats out “beast economy” because that doesn’t make any sense.)

Normally these would be foodstuffs (and who decided that could be one word anyway? Food and stuff mashed together for foodstuffs is odd, to say the least) and since I don’t want to/can’t eat they aren’t forced to toss raw meat at me. They only need to keep my hydrated. I was not feeling the Fierce Gatorade since it is a weird bluish/purplish color not found in nature and it turned my mouth that color. I tried working up some bubbles to foam at the mouth and freak out the kiddos but I had no spit to form any. My children are probably grateful for my inability to work up some mouth juice.

I sent Mallory off to the store for some things and while there she picked up Friday Night Fare and put those down on the counter first. The checkout girl is scanning her items and decides to make smalltalk.

She scans the frozen pizza, the macaroni and cheese, the Ben & Jerry’s Cherry Garcia and smiled. “Oh! Someone has a fun Friday night planned!”

That’s when Mallory plopped down the Immodium and Vagistat with a raised eyebrow.
“Oooohhhh.” The clerk offered her condolences.

Yep. Just taking care of my mom tonight. Just takin’ care ofmymom.” I know she said it just like that, running those last few words together and saying them very slowly as they dripped with sarcasm.

The Palm Centro Smartphone commercial had this on it: Expletives mustn’t be abbreviated!

Damn right! Spell that bitch all the way out!

When I’m not wearing my glasses I am shockingly blind. It’s not got anything to do with reading so much as a child that my eyeballs went on strike or masturbatory activities, it’s just that with every pregnancy my eyesight got worse and worse. I’m pretty awful, too, with the whole Help Mommy Find Her Glasses which used to be a fun game for the entire family until I ran out of Pez candies to distribute to the children when the turned up emptyhanded and I would exclaim through squinted eyes, “Try again! Isn’t this fun?” Eventually, those kids grow up.

As I’m sitting on the toilet I look over sans glasses and notice the pantiliners box and when I squint I can only make out “36” and “long” and I begin to wonder why pant sizes are now included in feminine products. I actually didn’t care to pursue it any further and now I believe that these pantiliner sizes are for very large and tall women.

Good grief, how did I go from sports drinks to delicate girl products? Never mind.

It’s been a rough eight months and I haven’t written down anything for fear of tearing out my eyelashes and rending my clothes a la biblically.

I probably crossed the line when my purchasing something from Circuit City recently and, upon getting my receipt, I realized that I’d forgotten my canvas shopping bag I’m trying so diligently to bring with me on every trip outside my house. I told the clerk that I would go ahead and take the plastic, thus killing the planet with my iron fist shoved up some indiscreet hole. He handed me a long ass piece of paper as receipt and it was all I could do to wave it in his face and say, “You could stand do a little better yourself!”

This may be why no one wants to go shopping with me. Or for me.
« Second That Emotion | Main | Hot, Sweaty Dreams »

Reader Comments (22)

Oh, man, this is awesome. Simply awesome.

I love your narrative. And we share something - I, too, am blind as a bat w/o my glasses.

Somebody actually analyzed one of those long-ass receipts, figured out the percentage of space taken up by 'asterisks' and 'white space' and such. I wonder where I put that link.

May 19, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterben

Mason is right. DON'T watch Blair Witch. I'm still freaked out and I think it's been over 10 years.

mayberrys last blog post.." rel="nofollow">Eat THAT!

May 19, 2008 | Unregistered Commentermayberry

I agree with Ben. This is awesome.

I, too, was blind as a bat. Three summers ago I got Lasik and IT CHANGED MY LIFE.

I'm just sayin'...

Angellas last blog post.." rel="nofollow">Blog Nosh

May 19, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterAngella

Well you know, we zymbryos (I've decided to mash the two together since I have matured some) have great eyesight. Just sayin'...

May 19, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterHeather B.

I totally loved this...Im sorry, I mean, this was beast! Your kids are great, you are great and your entries always make me smile. Get well!!!

CurlySues last blog post.." rel="nofollow">Over the weekend

May 19, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterCurlySue

Too funny. I lost brain cells with every pregnancy ... and gained a shoe size. Ha.

Wifey's Houses last blog post.." rel="nofollow">Baseball, Books & Ballet

May 19, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterWifey's House

Too funny. I've been trying to take my canvas shopping bags with me too, and having the hardest time remembering. I have reduced the amount of plastic I personally send to the landfill, but now I feel guilty every time I forget and have to use the plastic bags. (sigh)

Bris last blog post.." rel="nofollow">The Haps

May 20, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterBri

I like all this nonlinear stuff. You threw in some good stochastic components, too.

I think I know what you mean about this rancid economy of ours. It's because prices are all swoll, right?

Steves last blog post..!E66AD94BAC2BEEED!283" rel="nofollow">Custom List: Favorite Blogs

May 20, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterSteve

My likewise nonlinear brain really liked this post.

School will be out for the summer soon (unless you're @ one of those rancid beasty track schools or have to work when the kids are out, which is just wrong). 'Til then, innnnnhale.......exxxxhale.......

May 20, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterSally

Foodstuffs always brings to mind things that are technically edible, but not something you could make in your own home if you were so inclined. Like pasteurized processed cheese food. Or Lunchables.

May 20, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterV's Herbie

Blair Witch Project is freaky, if you can get past the whole jerky camera thing. It's kind of like The Ring. To me anyway. I, too, love this post. If you can be so funny while feeling like shit, I can only imagine what good stuff will ensue once you are 100%. I can't wait!

Susans last blog post.." rel="nofollow">Obviously I wasn't thinking

May 20, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterSusan

What a great's like you were sitting there yapping and going on about stuff.. isn't that what a blog is all about.

FYI, you twittered, "who wants mono to lose weight"..and I twittered back "OK me"... I kid you not, less than 6 hours later I had the first migrane that I have ever had in my life and was pucking my guts out...and I thought of you :0)

Hope you feel better really soon!!

mps last blog post.." rel="nofollow">TV Obsession Continues

May 20, 2008 | Unregistered Commentermp

What kind of medicine are you taking? I want some!!

May 20, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterCyndi

What a great read!

Heathers last blog post.." rel="nofollow">Happy Birthday, Jack!

May 20, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterHeather

Rancid Economy -- I like it. Let's work on spreading the word, I mean, words.

Daisys last blog post.." rel="nofollow">Who put the wheels on my hollyhocks?

May 20, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterDaisy

It may be non-linear but it made perfect sense.

White Hot Magiks last blog post.." rel="nofollow">And the Winner Is..

May 20, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterWhite Hot Magik

Sweet stream of consciousness. Those Circuit City receipts are ridiculous, aren't they? It's not like that contract/warranty/rebate information lasts on thermal paper, anyway.

tamaras last blog post.." rel="nofollow">Inspired by STANK: Cheapshot.

May 21, 2008 | Unregistered Commentertamara

Awwww now I really wish I had flown over to hide at the Mocha Mansion when I was invited. I would have taken care of you.

I wear contacts for that exact reason. Without the glasses I see everything in a blurry/blobby way. Hard to find the damn glasses when you cannot see.

I never thought of bribing the kids with Pez to help me find them. They were always too busy laughing at me running into walls and falling over stuff on the floor.

I have evil minded children, and no idea where they get it from :)

Court went okayish. The judge was a "beast" and he got all "swolled" up and tore the "baddies" a new bum! (it was soooo hard not to blow them a raspberry!) And we go to a full hearing on June 2nd.

Huge hugs and kisses from us to you.

J & Y xoxoxoxoxox

May 21, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterYvonne

Love that your brain has to work through a wall of sick in order to sound like me ON A NORMAL DAY.

Also, hurry and get over that Mono or how am I supposed to make out with you in San Fran? Because, yes, if I can speak for "We the white girls" (and I have photo evidence of my pasty hide if necessary... Though it has been known to cause temporary blindness. Fair warning.) We do tend to plan our babies. Or, at least, I tend to consent to making them after my husband slips me a few martinis and brings the subject up again. (funny enough, this seems to happen right about day 10 in my cycle. So yeah, one shot wonders, all my kids. The man is an EVIL GENIUS, I swear.)

I love my canvas bags, but with one still in diapers I try to give myself a pass when I forget them because, hey, we use them to contain the poopies thereby ensuring the disposable diaper inside will last FOREVER, so it's all a trade. Like everything else in life. Like giving up martinis while pregnant after sweet, sweet alcohol is what got you into the predicament IN THE FIRST PLACE. *cough* But on the bright side, as roomie you will have first dibs on all my extra drink tickets (assuming they use such a thing) at any cocktail parties. See how lucky you are to have me?! Rancid pregnant farts notwithstanding, that is.

MeLs last blog post.." rel="nofollow">Distractions.

May 21, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterMeL

I have been trying to use that goddamn canvas bag myself. I ended up stuffing several toiletries in my pockets on the way out of CVS because I couldn't bring myself to do the plastic bag.

From overconsumer to homeless-looking shoplifter? That's me.

May 21, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterdorothy

I did PAY for the items - I just reread that!

May 21, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterdorothy

I must write more stream of consciousness posts. If y'all are entertained by my drug addled brain then I agree to start using all kinds of pharmaceuticals. Just for YOU.

May 21, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterMocha Momma

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