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Friday
Jul252008

Heathers

Do you remember this post? By my friend, Heather B?

Sit tight, my sweets. I have a story to tell and it's the kind that I would do better in person because I do all the voices and I have incredible facial expressions (someone once told me at an audition for a play that I have a good face "at rest" and since I have no control over what that could conceivably mean, the only guess is that I don't look like I'm dead when there isn't a smile on my face? or that it's the face people make when they're trying to pass off a silent fart in a public place?) and I also use my entire body to relate a narrative.

On my tall frame it's either terrifying or exciting. It's like a choose-your-own-genre for story telling from an Amazonish chick educator in heels reasonable flats.

First, I must introduce you to the cast of my own version of the movie "Heathers".

This is the real Heather. Heather B from No Pasa Nada.


This is Heather #2. Karen from Chookooloonks who took this picture of me for her new project.


This is Heather #3. Lorraine from Ask Wifey.


"The extreme always seems to make an impression." (Heathers, 1989)


And this is me. Heather #4.


"Some people need different kinds of convincing than others." (Heathers, 1989)


Finally, I must link to a picture taken of Heathers 1,2 and 4 (and it includes Heather #2's real-life sister - her fake-life sister is somewhere off the coast of Trinidad which is really confusing because Karen...ahem! Heather #2 actually IS from Trinidad.)

Now, this is important to remember and if needed, grab a pen and keep track. Perhaps you'd like to do a diagram and use subtitles? How about a web-interface-design-widget? (I just threw a bunch of geeky lingo together for that last one. It's not a real thing. Is it?) Ready for the important part: THESE ARE FOUR DIFFERENT WOMEN.

Up next: WE FIND IT HILARIOUS THAT WE'RE MISTAKEN FOR ONE ANOTHER.

Let's be honest, some of the time we're in complete disbelief when this happens. Let's color a scene, shall we? Imagine you are at a cocktail party and someone comes up to you and asks, "What size shoe do you wear?" Because, in all actuality, this is common cocktail party conversation when one is in a department store such as Macy's. The scene is best if you're downstage left and the new character, let's call her Chiye-tanka (because Sasquatch sounds mean and I don't mean to imply that a bipedal hominoid approached me at this party) enters from the escalator. Or thereabouts.

"Eleven. Why?"

"Because they're letting us big-footed women go in the backroom to see the larger sized shoes! Want to go?"

"YES." This is said much louder than originally intended, but the sheer excitement and rendering of a Bigfoot sighting has impaired my ability to use anything other than monosyllabic words.

"Are you Heather B?" she asks.

Aw, hell no.

What a quandary I'm now in. On the one hand, this woman is going to take me to the last remaining size 11s in the store. The ones that are fashionable. The ones not yet taken by the trannies and cross dressers who seem to buy the one and only pair of heels in my local stores.

On the other hand, my brain has an entire conversation in the span of about 3.8 seconds: Is she serious? Where's the camera? Someone has PUT HER UP TO THIS. Surely, someone has a tiny Flip video and they're streaming this live across the internet to see what my reaction will be. What would Jesus think of them teasing me like this? GASP. She's not kidding me at all and she truly believes that I'm Heather B! Because all Black folk look the same! How dare she! But she wants to take me to the shoes! The pretty pretty shoes! Man, I should mess her UP and take off these here heels and smash them into her forehead. But there could be new sexy shoes in the back. WHERE IS ALL THAT FREE WINE?

Alas, I go to find the shoes. These shoes, in fact.


While I'm trying them on I remember that there is a party going on and I'm purring over footwear. Women are celebrating with pinot grigio and gazpacho. My need to get back to the festivities forces me to be bold to the salesman salesboy whom I coyly ask, "These are 40% off, aren't they?"

Either my desperation or his fatigue with 800 women overtaking all 7 floors of Macy's forces him to say, "Yes, they are."


At this point, any reasonable character would completely forgive the faux pas of the Yeti.

But then she tells me that my new purchase matches my dress better anyway.

Which brings my stage left foot to her center stage ass and now I can see why it's necessary for main characters to die in movies and on Broadway.

In all fairness, there was a moment when I turned to go pay for my shoes and Mallory didn't know that I moved from the spot I was standing in (stage left, remember?) and she almost called Heather #3 "Mom". No, I'm not mad at my daughter for this almost-error. Plus, she didn't try to hate on my pink stiletto shoe choice.

Exit stage right.
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Reader Comments (39)

#1 Those are some SEXY shoes. OMG I want a pair like now.

#2 How absolutely annoying!

Summers last blog post..http://wiredfornoise.com/depression-sucks" rel="nofollow">Depression Sucks

July 25, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterSummer

Well it could be worse; it could have happened WITHOUT the shoes. They really ARE gorgeous by the way. Like you.

Cynthia Samuelss last blog post..72.29.94.214

July 25, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterCynthia Samuels

Love the shoes! And it is SO annoying to be mistaken for other people when there is only one reason for it.

After people have done it to me once and I've corrected them, I think that I give them such an evil look that they stop calling me by any name for a while out of fear that they will mess up again.

Analis last blog post..72.29.94.214

July 25, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterAnali

It kind of astounds me that anyone would mistake you four for each other. Except that you are all gorgeous. And stylish.

sizzles last blog post..72.29.94.214

July 25, 2008 | Unregistered Commentersizzle

Well the funny part that really needs to be told in person is the way you came up to me right after this woman mistook you for me. And then what you said right before you went to get the shoes. But more importantly WHY DIDN'T I GO WITH YOU??? Fail.

July 25, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterHeather B.

Love the shoes. Love you. Never got you confused with anyone else.

Maybe all people in a crowd look like one another after a while because that EXACT SAME LADY asked me THREE SEPARATE TIMES if I had size 11 feet. "No, sorry," I said three times, "I have freakishly small size 8 feet."

(Before the many size 8s---and they are legion in number, the size 8s, which I know since that size is always depleted---get all up on me here with my use of the word freakish, I must tell you that *I AM TALLER THAN YOU BY A LOT." That's right, this girlfriend is statuesque at nearly 6 ft.)

Then again, you and Heather don't really look alike, nor do you and Karen. Or Lorraine.

Then again, on the other hand, it must be nice to look 24, and since all of you are gorgeous creatures there must be some flattery in there somewhere?

Then again, maybe that girl was a little oopsy tipsy. That was also going around a lot that night. Except for me, the Sprite Queen.

Still, on a more serious note, it can be a Thing, to be mistaken for someone other than who you are, especially if the mistake is a racial one. The tribe excluded my mom from public events because she didn't look ethnic enough and she got a little tired explaining phenotype wasn't genotype, which also occurred to me in the race and gender panel when the African-American women on the panel were all accused of being white. Once corrected, the accusation stood that they didn't seem black enough to represent.

Then again, those shoes are HAWT!

I remain somewhere between amazed in an impressed way and amazed in a horrified way that apparently I look like sticky-fingered white trash to Macy's personnel, and thus must be constantly steered away from the merchandise, especially if my sticky fingers reach out to fondle it.

Julie Pipperts last blog post..72.29.94.214

July 25, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterJulie Pippert

I lurve you! My husband hates with MAJOR annoyance people who say he sounds white. HATES that.
The whole black people thing at blogher doesn't surprise me as I don't think alot of women expected enough diversity to NEED to remember the face of more than one woman of color. This is just a guess on my part. I could be so wrong,but my feathers are still a bit ruffled at the CNN black in america thing i watched last night so.. take me with a grain of sand in the waist band of your favorite jeans today.
Next year it will be better as more women of color will come and more people will expect them to be there.

Raquitas last blog post..72.29.94.214

July 25, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterRaquita

I have met both Mocha and Heather, and when I did, I was a little concerned about mixing up the two. So, I came up with a little mental trick to help me distinguish between these two glamorous women of color. Maybe my handy method can also help some of your other readers to remember who is who --

Heather B is dark
Like the chocolate of the Swiss
I know of another blogger
Who she did once, uh, kiss.

Mocha looks like coffee
And really holds her booze
I love to read her blog
When she shows her "f**k me" shoes.

Neils last blog post..72.29.94.214

July 25, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterNeil

Each of you are beautiful and amazing in your own right, so confusing you is impossible.

However, that being said, free wine CAN MAKE PEOPLE DO SOME CRAZY THINGS!

I blame the wine.

Shash

P.S. The Shoes? LOVE. Pink puffy heart LOVE.

Shashs last blog post..72.29.94.214

July 25, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterShash

I still don't get it because you don't look anything alike to me... however... SHOES! For big feet! I missed shoes for big feet! CRAP! I hate that I have to compete with the Queens for the good shoes. I'm stuck walking around in my fucking Keens (which are comfortable beyond all belief, but still) all the time because I can't find cute shoes that fit. Damn!

July 25, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterAmelia Sprout

Neil: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA!!

I just wanted to reiterate something that heather #4 (Kelly) said: we do find it hilarious that people mix us up. And actually? I'm sort of glad they do, because as a result, I feel like Heather, Kelly and I became much closer to each other at this conference than ever before. And that? Can only be a good thing.

So hell, call me Heather. Or Kelly. Whatevs. I love you both.

(And Lorraine, I so need to meet you. Next conference, perhaps?)

With love,

Heath..Kell..*sigh*

July 25, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterChookooloonks

YES, those shoes are awesome!

And I knew you were YOU the whole time, is that any consolation?

Andrea's Sweet Lifes last blog post..72.29.94.214

July 25, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterAndrea's Sweet Life

OMG, I love those shoes. So sexy!

July 25, 2008 | Unregistered Commentererika

I just recently outted myself on my blog. I am a Heather. I saw the link to this post and wanted to see what was going on with the "Heathers".

LOVE the shoes. Gimmie.

July 25, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterMommasWorld (Heather)

Cute shoes- for those they could call me whatever name they please. I'm seriously contemplating one of these BlogHer events in the future but i want to be promised a spot as a Heather :)

I'm going to admit something I've discovered since reentering a world where black is not the majority- I can't tell all of the soccer moms apart in my neighborhood. I've been trying to figure out distinguishing characteristics but since everyone has the same bob haircut, drives and SUV, and wears some variation of layered shirt with capris I get confused very quickly.

To be compared to good (and beautiful) company is never offensive. I pretty much 99% of the time never want to know or see someone who people say "you look JUST like her" unless that rare 1% of the time they by some bizarre blurred drunk vision moment happen to say Beyonce. :)

Yolandas last blog post..http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/ebonymommy/~3/344626406/" rel="nofollow">Giveaway Contest Leapfrog Tag

July 25, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterYolanda

Y'all are a bunch of shoe whores. And poets.

Neil wins. Hands down. I'm going to be printing that up for my anthology of Mistaken Black Bloggers that I'm putting together.

Also, next year at BlogHer, EVERY BLACK WOMAN NEEDS A NAMETAG READING HEATHER.

July 25, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterMocha Momma

I think every Asian-American woman at BlogHer needs a nametag that says "Stefania".

It was an honor and privilege to be on the same panel as you. Your shoes were all divine.

July 25, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterGlennia

I blame the wine, personally. But I'm not happy about there being a Sasquatch party and my not being invited. Call me any name you want, including Fred (it has happened), just take me to the shoes.

The idea that Macy's has a specific area for the grande-ped is, well, amazing. It could almost get me to shop in their crappy-ass store.

Love ya, Heatherette.

--Heatherellen

Ellen Gersteins last blog post..http://trueconfessions.wordpress.com/2008/07/25/alltop-all-the-cool-kids-and-me/" rel="nofollow">Alltop - All the Cool Kids (and me!!!)

July 25, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterEllen Gerstein

One of those people was me. I totally ran up to Lorraine excited as all hell thinking it was you! She was VERY polite about it because I think she saw the embarrassment on my face, but I spent the rest of the night thinking in my head "she probably thinks I think all black people look the same!" which is very traumatic being from Louisiana and trying to come to terms with a very racist background! I'm glad you posted this because it breaks the barrier of how uncomfortable I was to talk about it.
And - nice shoes :-)

Alisons last blog post..http://uncommonality.wordpress.com/2008/07/23/blogher-08-wrap-up/" rel="nofollow">BlogHer ‘08 Wrap Up

July 25, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterAlison

Heather #3 here. OK, but right before the shoe thing happened, I found Kelly because I had just been mistakenly confused for the infamous "Mocha Momma" and told her that we need to stand together so that people could see that we are actually two different people. Ha.

I guess things could be worse, being that all of the "Heathers" are fabulous. #1 and #2 we must meet!

Oh, and I nominate Neil for president. Smiles!

July 25, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterWifey's House

"Also, next year at BlogHer, EVERY BLACK WOMAN NEEDS A NAMETAG READING HEATHER."

I can't stop laughing at that idea or Neil's little mental trick.

veep veeps last blog post..http://www.savvymommy.com/blog/2008/07/21/the-big-five/" rel="nofollow">The Big Five

July 25, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterveep veep

I'm glad that we ran into each other, just after you announced 'all the black women get in this picture' and before I call the next one for all the Chinese gals. I'm sure they'll get used for some diversity brochure. ;)

July 25, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterLady M

I vote for t-shrits that say Heather #1 heather #2 ect...

July 25, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterRaquita

Love the shoes - love Neil's poem -- wish you could have nailed the Stupid White Woman with the heels, but I'm sure you would have hated to damage a sweet pair of shoes like that. :)

Daisys last blog post..http://compostermom.blogspot.com/2008/07/extreme-toy-story-er-i-mean-shopping.html" rel="nofollow">Extreme Toy Story - er, I mean Shopping

July 25, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterDaisy

Oh, Heather. I mean Kelly. WHATEVER.

I honestly don't know how people keep mixing y'all up. Each of you are breathtakingly beautiful, but look NOTHING ALIKE.

Seriously. The part where you are telling the story about the Bigfoot sighting had me bent over laughing because I can TOTALLY visualize you telling it.

I wish I could be part of the Heather club.

Also. I am loving Neil's poem. Dude has skillz.

July 25, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterAngella

OK, those shoes? AMAZING! I think I need to run to Macy's now. Shhhh- don't tell my boss.

RisibleGirls last blog post..http://www.mostlyrisible.com/index.php/title_permalink=site/on_autopilot_much/#1360" rel="nofollow">File this under “Lori is on auto-pilot”

July 25, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterRisibleGirl

The trannies and the cross-dressers take my shoes too. What's up with that? I can't believe the saleslady told you that she liked the new shoes with your outfit better. She sounds like a moron.

Can't wait to read more!

citystreamss last blog post..http://citystreams.wordpress.com/2008/07/24/a-tree-falls-in-our-back-yard/" rel="nofollow">A tree falls in our back yard

July 25, 2008 | Unregistered Commentercitystreams

Lady...you have some gorgeous eyes!!

Love the poem and love the shoes

Jakkis last blog post..http://asboringasitmaybe.blogspot.com/2008/07/i-can-not-get-enough-sleep-this-week-i.html" rel="nofollow">

July 25, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterJakki

You are 3 funny! btw,
What's with the orange Heather?

July 25, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterangie

hi kelly, this is aly (with sassy short hair) the teacher from oakland.

um 1) i love your blog.

2) the movie heathers is a force to be reckoned with. i am so giddy that you have developed a real life heather army.

3) you all look nothing alike and i'm a little weirded out by the confusion.

and finally, 4) i adore the combination of tackling issues regarding racial identity and racism with hot, sexy shoes (for 40% off!!!!!)

i hope you and your daughter enjoyed your trip to SF. i still hope you move to oakland. no snow!

July 25, 2008 | Unregistered Commenteraly

Love the shoes. I wouldn't care about being called Heather either. Heck, if you give me fab shoes 40% off you can call me something worse, too :-) But just once.

Elisas last blog post..http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/UnlikelyHousewife/~3/342762677/super-makeover-anyone.html" rel="nofollow">Super-makeover anyone?

July 25, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterElisa

I'm telling you. All black folks do look alike. I couldn't tell any of you apart in that picture. Put me in there and I wouldn't even recognize myself. We all just kinda blend...

:P

July 25, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterMaria

Isn't a little weird that the first 10 comments that enabled commentluv all used the same title? 72.29.94.214?? That is just freaky.

Maybe they were hoping that would make all their sites look alike...

I am vacillating between utter disbelief... Hello??? nobody remotely looks like anybody else. well, maybe wifey and mocha, a tad.. and honest mistakes.

"Have you met Heather B?" "She 's the tall, black, woman, with straight shoulder length hair, kind of in a bob, bluish green eyes, wearing heels."

Yeah, that doesn't work does it?

But okay, it COULD happen.

Did they have any size 10's hiding in there? Oh, wait I wear Birks, Crocs and Keens- never mind. :)

Tricias last blog post..http://fourplusfourequalsten.blogspot.com/2008/07/beastly-breast-bashing-couldnt-resist.html" rel="nofollow">Beastly Breast Bashing (couldn't resist...)

July 26, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterTricia

Well that took a little bit of effort to follow, but in the end I took away that a)those shoes are cute! b)you are just gorgeous and c)all of you Heathers are very different and lovely, and look nothing alike!
The end.

July 26, 2008 | Unregistered Commentermichellew

I LOVED those shoes, and when I saw you trying them on, I was way jealous because my wide feet can never find stylish shoes in stores. It sucks.

I'm so glad you got those, because seriously they are so awesome.

And I can't believe someone mistook you for Heather. I'm still in shock over that.

danas last blog post..http://thedanafiles.com/2008/07/26/blogher-08-thursday-edition/" rel="nofollow">BlogHer ‘08: Thursday Edition

July 27, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterdana

That must have been one H*ll of a conference. I love the shoes as well. Heels on beautiful women? What's not to love.

I live in a small town in Central Penna., pop. about 600, if that much. There were only TWO black people in the ENTIRE town - Bob, who is about 4'5" and myself, 6'0". Inevitably, I would be called Bob and he would be called by my name. I don't wonder anymore.

Been away from cyberspace for a minute, and miss you humor. Be back soon. Peace.

July 28, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterblackstarr

Bossy wants to be a Heather! Especially if it will get her into the back room for the discount size 10s.

July 28, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterBOSSY

Actually, I have this face problem where I get EVERYONE mixed up with EVERYONE else. It's really really bad. Like, "Hi! KEVIN! OMG, what are you doing here?" (To white nerdy guy who looks EXACTLY like my friend Kevin THAT I WORK WITH and saw, oh I dunno, two hours before that?)

"Um. I'm not Kevin"

Shit.

I do this a lot. I think it's a lack of face-details in my brain.

But I do know good shoes and frakin' HOT legs and DAMN you have both.

(P.S. I also have a RANDOM caps problem apparently. God I hope there's meds for this shit.)

Mrs. Flingers last blog post..http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/MrsFlinger/~3/349057736/" rel="nofollow">Brutally Honest Monday: My Fugly Dress

July 29, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterMrs. Flinger

There seem to be a lot of Heather bloggers out there.. I am another one...

August 14, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterHeatherss

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