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Why Would I Want to Make This Up?

Let's say that I have this friend. And this friend decides to tell me some information, see, about his sister-in-law who works in a maternity ward. We'll call this friend Albert because that's sort of a distinguished-sounding name. He's a good guy and we pick on each other in the best possible way. You know, like I leave fake poop in different places in his office, see? And that's funny because then he tells the entire poms team that they can leave their athletic bags (which are enormous) in my office so that I return and can barely open the door there's so much junk crammed in there. Albert is a trustworthy guy and if he ever reads this blog he will probably crap his pants that I just named him "Albert."

This is heading somewhere. I promise

Albert has been in on some great pranks with me. Like that one time when we left maxi-pads stuck underneath another guy's desk. As funny as we thought that was, however, just yesterday when I had a button come undone on my shirt due to my Godzilla Bra (you don't want to know why I call it that) he was too embarrassed to tell me and let me leave his office looking like an idiot. There was a female student sitting in the office at the time and I asked her (cheerily, mind you, because I was in a good mood), "So! What are you doing in here?" and she replied, "Writing you this note." That confused me so I walked over to her where she had written in caps:


Now, see Albert? Was that so hard? Couldn't you have just said, "Dude. Fix your shirt."? You wouldn't have to mention the word "breasts" or "knockers" or even "Godzilla Boobs". You just have to say something. Later that day I explained to him that this sort of thing falls under the umbrella of Not Looking Like an Asshole and that people, co-workers, friends - we do this for one another. So, Albert owed me big time. He shared that this sister-in-law had just had a mother come in and deliver twin girls. It's at this point in the story that I must tell you to put down whatever you may be drinking. Sit back from your computer. Take a deep breath. Because I cannot make this crap up. I'm not interesting enough or creative enough to do this. 

Are you ready? There's no going back from here and you aren't even wondering about the Godzilla Bra anymore.

She'Marvelous and She'Fabulous.

Those are their names. I'm sincerely hoping that this mother was brought in from a mental health facility because there are so many shades of stupid in that that I cannot begin to address it. 

Albert: Can you believe that? Those girls will have to put that at the top of a resume someday.

Me: Not even. Those names are just going to be put on job applications and requests to be on reality shows. People with those names do NOT write resumes.
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Reader Comments (39)

Aren't people amazing? Just when you think you have heard it all. Those poor kids! WOW!

BTW - I am changing my name to Him'Awesome!

December 9, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterReal Dads Hangout

And the Mother's name is Momma'Ignorant!

December 9, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterDenise

[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by mochamomma, Kimzilla and Kimzilla, . said: [...]

All I can do is shake my head because, as a teacher, I so totally believe this story.

December 9, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterLinda

She'marv and She'Fab for short? And I thought Deanna and Diana were bad. (former students of mine, honest) Or was it Pete and RePete? Or Joyce and ReJoice? Denise and DeNephew?

(Must lay off the wine before commenting on blogs, really.)

December 9, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterDaisy

Oh come on now. Any one with that level of stupid couldn't possibly spell those big words. Gotta go because my sons, Tre'Stud and Tre-TheMan are waiting on dinner.

December 9, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterLori E

Interestingly enough, I know her mom. She'Krazay.

December 9, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterwhall

Well, they have a bright future of workin' the pole.

December 9, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAndria

I knew these would be superb comments.

You people are She'Funny.

December 9, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMocha Momma

Oooopf. They do not. Stand. A chance.

December 9, 2009 | Unregistered Commentercatrinkas

Dude. He was pulling your leg AND naming your boobs. He gotcha again.
*high fives Albert*

December 9, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterKaren Sugarpants


Thanks for the warning. My computer isn't worth the $2.50 wine I'm drinking to get in the keyboard, and I totally would have busted it all over.

December 9, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterHeadless Mom

Okay I am still debating whether these are real names. REALLY??? But, regardless, I am so very curious now. Will these girls, because of their names, make it to the resume creating status? This is great experiment material: I could name one child Socrates and the other Yo'Jigga'Wha? and see what happens. Of course it would be only correlational, but...

December 9, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMichelle

And people complained about the name Apple or Zuma?! Really? Sadly I do believe you, for the simple fact that we have had a Maxwell House (boy) and a Harley Davidson (girl) go through my little school in recent years. Who does this to their children?! :)

December 9, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAmanda

As a teacher, I can totally believe this because I have run into some incredible names but nothing like She'Fabulous and She'Marvelous! I'll definitely be sharing this in the staff lounge tomorrow during lunch!

And as a side note to the great name discussion, ask Devra from Parentopia about ABC, a kid with a name ABC pronounced Ab-sah. Yes, really!

Like you said, can't make this stuff up!

December 9, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterLeticia- Tech Savvy Mama

Honestly, can't stop laughing. How can you yell at a kid you've just named She'Fabulous and She'Marvelous? It loses all of the good pissed off parenting umpf.

December 10, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterFree Wilma

"cannot make this crap up. I’m not interesting enough or creative enough to do this."? Sounds like a challenge to me.

Now if you were a real comic writer, you would have found a way work in that in light of all the judging and snickering She’Fabulous and She’Marvelous are getting, that you're reconsidering your decision to name your next daughter... Wait for it... Godzilla Boobs. Yep, that's right-- Godzilla Boobs Momma. (Momma is your last name, right? Or are you like Madonna and Cher and it's just the one name?)

Also the real joke is that by the time those kids are old enough to enter the workforce there won't be jobs that require resumes any more. It will just be off to the forced labor camps until we work off the enormous debt to the Chinese that some president and his ruling party (who will remain nameless) ran up in the first decade of the 21st century. But at least we'll be safe from terrorists. And now don't you look the fool forcing your son to learn algebra.

December 10, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJoe Schmitt

I really don't know whether to laugh or cry. I'll go with laugh. Til the cows come home, or one of those two kids gives birth to a She'Hot and a She'Awesome.

December 10, 2009 | Unregistered Commenteremma

Here's one: La-a. That's the name

("La dash a")

Really. Total job application name.

December 10, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterML

As a pediatrician, I have seen the best and worst of names. Most recently memorable:
-Keitherella (sent to me by a friend who is a pediatrician in New Orleans - combining mom's favorite princess with the name of the baby daddy)
-Mi'diamond (maybe in lieu of a diamond she got a baby?)
-Yajealous (because "aren't you jealous I had my baby before you did?" - No I am not kidding.) (Mom tried to pass it off as "ya-zhe-lees" but I wasn't buying it.)

December 10, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterBeth

This was overheard by a friend of mine in a local retail outlet as a mother was attempting to discipline her child:

"Spatula! I have two words for you: Behave!"

that's right. Soak that in for a few.

December 10, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJeff

Best post and comments EVER.

December 10, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMeg Evans

Can we call them both Lousy for short?

December 10, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterLaura

Maybe they have a innocuous middle name to go by, like...Jessica. Or...Sarah.


hahahahaha. I love it.

December 10, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAmy

As a teacher I have seen some doozie names--two of my favorite

Tequila--as in I drank too much and now have a baby..

Prepare your self for this one---
AbcDe--pronounced ab-sa-de
I should be impressed her mom knew the first 5 letters of the alphabet...

December 10, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterDawn


You know that's a shame. Although, I had a friend who went to school with kids name EdChar and CharEd (Because parents CHARLENE & EDWARD COULDN'T COMPRISE AND COME UP WITH REAL NAMES). And I work at a hospital in the Pediatric ward, I've seen some names that make you want to slap somebody's mamma.

I really hope there is a special place these parents are going to end up for giving these kids such effed up names.

December 10, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterLynette

My mom taught two little boys - 1st cousins - named Boogie and Buster. Those were not nicknames, they were actual, given names.

My aunt knew a woman who named her daughter Fragile, pronounced Fra-Ja-Lee, because she saw it on the side of a box.

But the best one I've heard? My friend's son goes to school with a little boy named Yamajesty.

December 10, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnna Marie

That's funny because I call my breasts She'Marvelous and She'Fabulous, too! Imagine the coincidence that this woman has given her breasts the same names! Of course, I'd never be so crazy as to give those names to actual children. That would just be mean.

December 10, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMommela

I have named cats after tv show characters. Never kids.

I went to elementary school with twins named Candi and Bambi. Strippers or porn stars?

December 11, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterLaura

Daisy's comment I simply find hilarious!!!! Thank you Daisy!!! Beth, Jesse and Anna Marie, I don't know whether to laugh, cry, or cry laughing. Poor children. They can change their names later in life but the damage would already have been done.

December 11, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMadame Truth

I worked at a jewelry store for a few years and my employer would give new mothers a tiny gold "baby ring" -- they would present a little certificate from the hospital with their baby's name on it and we would hand over the ring. First of all, this woman came in with 2 -- she had twin girls. Second, the names she had chosen (because this was all she could keep down while pregnant -- yes, she told us that) were "Lemonjello" and "Orangello" (2nd syllable gets the emphasis). Third, the rings are actually for the babies, but she immediately asked me to have them "skretched" (no, I did not spell that wrong on accident -- that is how she said it) to fit her THUMBS. Um, NO.

December 11, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJenniferB

Social comments and analytics for this post...

This post was mentioned on Twitter by mochamomma: True story: I can't wait to read comments on this one....

December 12, 2009 | Unregistered CommenteruberVU - social comments

While it's possible that neither you nor your friend are making this up, as soon as I reached the end, I thought of this post: (parts 2 and 3 follow).

It's not a persecution of your friend, or of you for repeating it. It's just pointing out the potential larger context of such "hospital stories." And because you've written on the subject before, I thought you might be open to my shedding some light on the dangers of treating this as truth.

December 12, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterYolanda

Also noted, your commenters have immediately tripped into mentioning the three names Ms. Wattenberg proves false in her posts: La-a, Oranjello, and Lemonjello.

December 12, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterYolanda

I soooooo believe it! I personally have a friend who named her daughter LAMARA after her father Lamar. How horrible is that! Hopefully they have decent middle names.

December 14, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterDiva (in Demand)

Seriously, what is she thinking? Why do people think every child needs some crazy-ass, unique name, unique spelling, whatever. I think you're far less scarred by having 5 Jims or Janes in the class than being named She'Fabulous. Good gravy...

December 14, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAndrea

Thank you for the morning chuckle. This mother tops the old myth about the mom who, lacking inspiration for a name for her newborn son, consults the hospital menu and names her boy "Oranjello". An obvious nod to the orange jello featured on the menu that evening.

Just call me She'Snort, as that is what you made me do. And Thank You for the warning - I put my coffee down or I would have snorted it, blech.

December 15, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterTanya

Hey now, you taught school. Surely those didn't blow your mind. I collected crazy names when I taught.

December 17, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterKaty

to add to the urban legend...

shithead - pronounced "shi-THEED"


gonorrhea - pronounce 'guh-NOR-ee-uh"

December 24, 2009 | Unregistered Commentermommymae

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